Making oneself worthy of a Relationship

What you sow is what you reap.
Holds very true for a relationship. You sow a crappy seed you will reap the benefit of that seed, no matter how you try to correct it later. Unlike in a field, you can't get rid of a seed you've sown. Down the relationship lane, you will get to sow a lot of seeds in the evergreen field of relationship. The relationship matures as well as a crop, and what the crop yields depends on the seeds you've sown.
I have a feeling that most people whose relationship is all strong and mature, do not necessarily have only great seeds that were sown. It probably would be that the average crop from the relationship field would be very good, despite a few bad seeds (call them weeds if you like).
And moreover every good relationship possibly would have the starting patches of the field with crappy if not poor growth, and as a farmer one learns from mistakes, but the thing about Relationship Farming (if I can call it so), one cannot afford similar mistakes and the same mistake is going to cost you the whole field!

Enough Farming eh!

How do I make myself worthy of a relationship?
One of the biggest problems that causes strain in a relationship possibly is sharing of household chores. Guys get to earn the 'culprit' tag in this case, reason being possibly how much of the household chores they got to do when growing up, and how much in 'comparison' to their sibling they had to do. As kids doing chores always resulted in comparing yourself to your sibling, you had to make sure you did nothing more than what your sibling did. We(I) as kids missed the big picture, there was someone(s) (Could be the dad & the mom or just the mom) who was doing the chores that got missed out during the fight between the siblings over who has to do the chore. Guess what, some never grow out of that chore comparing mindset, and the result, you want to share the chores the same way with your partner. The lesson missed here is as a kid, we ought to have learnt from our parent in thinking that this is "OUR HOME", and it is our duty just like it is your duty to have your bath/brush your teeth/eat your food. The moment the "OUR HOME" hits my head, I begin to realize that I need to take and look for opportunities to make my abode a better place. Aah with realization you enable your kid(s) to learn an important lesson of being part of a family. And you take one step forward in making yourself worthy of a relationship.

Anger in a relationship
Anger poisons the relationship. When I am angry, I am blinded, my rational thinking is blinded, But as a blind man, I don't grope around cautiously, instead I move around in an enraged manner, disturbing all that is around me, and the more enraged I am, the more damaging I am. And it hurts even more when both the parties are enraged causing heavier damage. Words really are funny, they convey stronger meaning and intent, when spoken in anger, than when spoken with love. Enraged words have a fare more powerful effect than words spoken with love, and when hurled at each other, it brings in a war where each of us try to show off our prowess at hurling spite. And an enraged mind brings in thoughts of actions you want to commit, but would not commit when you are sober and rational. Such thoughts themselves poison the crops we are cultivating especially very detrimental to the good crops that are growing and it makes the bad crops thrive even better and what more the bad crops would start taking the place of the good crops that were sown as well!!!!!.
But anger/disappointment is not very avoidable being two different people under a dome. I become worthy of a relationship, when I learn to not take meaning out of a word spoken out of rage, and when I learn to plug the flow of words from my mouth when I am raged. But how do I do that? Especially me, who is very short tempered? Maybe divert your thought and attention towards what I want to become in future, channelize the negative energy towards what hasn't been achieved? I'm still pondering on ways to getting myself back when I am enraged. You are not you, when you are enraged, so tackling rage, involves finding you within your enraged you.

Just Random thoughts

Quite a while since I scribbled down my thoughts. Not that Iven't been thinking. Just that I haven't been thinking deeply and have gotten carried away with work and stuff. Coming to think of it, its been more of an inertia of the mind (another term for laziness), rather just letting days take its own course and me travelling along. Some sort of an thought activity trough maybe? 

Are these two disparate things "thinking for oneself" and "thinking about oneself"? I had a feeling they are disparate things. Let me explain my reasoning to believe they are disparate.

When I mean "thinking for oneself" I mean, thinking on the lines, regards activities, deeds or "adjustments not made" so that it is easier on oneself or to the benefit of oneself, or just considering oneself. The thought process on these lines are what are considered to be selfish. It doesn't do the self good, though the thought process goes on the lines of making things easier and doing things supposedly beneficial only to the self. I say supposedly beneficial because the thought process focusses only on the trivia which does the self no good, but all it does is alienates oneself from people around (family/friends/colleagues). 

I have a feeling that I have made a lot of decisions based on this line of thought, without really reflecting deeply. I don't know how many times I've put people to discomfort. The outcome of this line of thinking results in people being very adjustable (those who see the triviality of the argument/situation) or people being difficult. 

        "Thinking about oneself", though it sounds very egotistic/egocentric is not really either of the two. Egocentric would be what "Thinking for oneself" is. Thinking about oneself, is immersing oneself (not really submerging oneself, that would be an extremity) in thoughts about the sort of a person one is, reflecting on deeds and activities, and one's thoughts by itself. It's sort of a self analytical thought process, which I would say steer oneself back on course. It would help oneself boostrap from a failure/depression situation, propel oneself forward, reanalyze the situation one is in, help take an alternative course of action. Best part is it would help one correct oneself and be self critical as well. 

But like all good things, it has a flip-side as well, if the train of thoughts is too much self appreciative and things are analyzed in a biased manner, I am afraid it leads to building up a personality that is less desirable.

My next will be on => the liking feeling we have towards people and if it is a continuous phenomenon or a disjoint phenomenon. Sounds abstract? well it is abstract :)

Gotta get back to work. :)

Saying the most inappropriate thing

When it comes to saying the most inappropriate thing to the person that matters to u a lot, well I guess I am the king (lol). Really I've found myself uttering the most ridiculous sentences, which on later reflecting, found myself wanting to kick myself.

But the damage is always done. I've never been able to fathom why it happens and what provokes those words. Is it some frustration? Some kind of overt eagerness? Some adrenaline rush? 

Whatever it is, I guess at the instant the mind is in a blocked state to really process the words that are coming out. 

Today I had one such incident happen to me. It wasn't a face to face talk rather on a chat. But the effect was the same.

As a person who thinks a lot in a short time, and with the thoughts coming in at a rapid pace I guess I dont want to lose the thoughts that are flowing in and those that I want to  pass on, and as a result probably I don't rethink the thought I am trying to pass on and hence the situation.

I really ought to slowdown my thinking a bit. (lol)

Where's the Restroom!!?

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I had this very odd experience. We were a group of 5 who went to DC to see the cherry blossom/parade and we had parked our car at a train station (Greenbelt) and took the train to go and see the parade as our first stop. The moment I stepped into the train, I felt the well known urge, the urge to relieve the bladder. Caused by the two bottles of water that I had whilst we were driving down. I need a lot of water on a day to day basis (around a gallon (4litres) ).

Coming back to the incident, I felt this uncontrollable urge, but I didnt much mind, coz i knew that in another 20-25 mins we will reach the destination and at the destination station I would be able to relieve myself. Well I get down at the station and frantically look for the restroom, but none around!. So coming out of the station I scan around for a few restaurants or something that would house a restroom. Still no avail! Now nothing else going on my mind. My friends were calling me for a foto shoot, well dang!! not the time for it!! and then i came across a President's Memorial building, and I saw people going into it. So I went down there and there was a security screening at the entrance. I thought what the heck!!!? but nevertheless asked a security female if there was a restroom inside and she nodded positively but said I needed to produce an ID Card. I couldnt believe what I was hearing an Identity Card for a pee!! but she was insistent and so I had to run back to my friends who were holding on to my bag, happily shooting away pictures, got my passport identitification, produced it to the security female, and almost literally ran inside and then asked at the information counter inside for the directions to the restroom.

Then I found the restroom. !!!!

Boy I was really glad when I relieved myself. Felt floating in heaven.

The highlight of this incident was that I had used the Presidents Memorial Building for a restroom (ROFL).

more later ....

Before my Washington DC/Baltimore trip

I always have some sort of a mixed feeling the eve of a trip. I wouldn't really classify it as a flustered state of mind. Maybe a tad anxious. Anxious as to what I should be taking and what I should be leaving back. But I have to admit, I am no light traveller. I am a being who's zone of comfort is the home, no matter how much I love to travel around. There are all these articles at home that I need to have around me for me to feel comfortable I guess. My gadgets, grooming stuff, cologne collection,clothes all that I am leaving back. I am always wondering what I might need out of the blue, at the trip. I do have a few occassions, where my planning has paid off, but I've faced the mockery of my mates most of the times. Well I don't mind that however. I guess I am a person, by nature who cannot be disturbed for extended periods of time. 

Even today, I'm packing in trivia for the trip, some chargers, flashlight (would i need it?) My packing has been real slow because of the India-NZ series decider test going on live. Sometimes I tend to get carried over and digressed. Well hey don't we all? Anyways I guess I am done packing, the digi-cams are ready. Now I feel a tad excited over the trip and no longer have that anxious feeling. 

I should try and find something interesting to write down, than jus a documentary sort of blog, which holds nothing but a mundane set of thoughts. I need to pen down the technical stuff on software for a change. I've always found that I have a way of putting together analogies to help myself understand  a concept better and in a deeper visual manner. 

Well my thoughts are drifting and am gonna hit the sack...

Decision Graph

I've heard about people who are of an exceptional IQ but fail to succeed and rather come across such folks as well. I've seen them at work, at school and bumped into such guys. You have a feeling that this guy/gal ought not to be here, you feel he/she doesn't belong in this group. And you have come across this other folks, folks who seem so mundane, yet they keep climbing up the ladder and are in enviable positions. Well we attribute this to that guy's luck (I've done that as well) or we claim he lick's the boss's ass. Maybe those are reasons as well, but I do feel that I am being biased or rather unappreciative of some factor or attribute characteristic of that guy that has made him prosperous. After all we do most of the time see only one side of the coin always. Well I'll talk about the way we see things in another post. 

So what if these "successful" people did possess some ability the others who should've been successful didn't posses!? I strongly believe that we are what we are only because of ourselves and no one else to blame. What I'm trying to convey is that we are soley responsible for where we stand only we stand to be blamed for it, be it good or be it bad. 

Our lives totally revolve around decision making. We make decisions right from the time we wake up , to decide whether to wake up on the first alarm or to wake up after a snooze or to sleep for an hour more. All the time we are deciding. We decide on what breakfast to have, on what excuse to present to the boss for the delay, we decide on what movie to watch, how to study, how much time to study, how to approach a problem, how to design a solution and all of that leads to different outcomes and would've lead to different outcomes had an alternate course been taken. Our life rather would rather look like a lot of "if" "else if" "else" conditions. True sometimes life does present us with alternate paths because the option we have chose doesn't seem to work out. I'll come to that a little later. But what I am trying to say, is the whole life travels in sort of  a decision path that we take. 

And our decisions are affected in large by our emotional state and vigilance and influence from others as well. You could very well blame someone else for your decision claiming you got influecned, but being influenced in itself is our own fault/decision again. So if in our emotional status we failed to notice an opportunity or if we take up an opportunity by being vigilant we either become unsuccessful (read unlucky) or successful (lucky). 

This emotional state of being vigilant is probably a key difference in being succesful. Probably this is what is one aspect of being emotionally intelligent!. What I call vigilance is just being aware of the environment around you, or being aware of what the world is seeking and being vigilant in this aspect probably makes you look for a way out of a situation/problem and hey you become a hero, though you didn't really contribute to the solution, the fact that you reacted to the situation and acted as a liasion to provide a solution is what matters in a lot of situations.

So in effect I probably am lead to believe and now do believe that we are what we are based on the decision graph that we make and the decision path that we travel on. 

This interesting viewpoint gives me an interesting state of mind, where I do manage not to blame those around me. Gives a better feeling of self and rather makes think of taking non-emotional decisions. Lets see where it takes me ahead...

Controlled Aggression

Some days one finds a numbness in the mind, a sort of comfort feeling that brings down your drive to excel, brings down the passion to carry forward, brings down the aggression to fight and achieve, rather you find the mind settling into a druggy sluggishness. In fact this sensation in the mind gets heightened with romantic songs or a touchy sensation driven by an affectionate feeling towards a person, family or a even a mushy movie. 

Its a sort of a tipsy feeling that our mind definitely likes and lulls itself into that state. But such a state actually acts as a hurdle into the aggression that is required to propel ourselves in our career. In fact today has been such a day for myself, but I cannot fathom the reason that propelled my mind into this stupour. 

All the same once I get my mind active into a groove, to find and understand myself, the tipsy feeling clears off or rather wears off. I kind of have stumbled upon this fact that to come out of this state all it takes for me is to get into a quest for solving problems that have been looming in front of me or to take up something that I've been trying learn and grasp. Once an understanding of the problem and its solution dawns upon me, it kinda kicks off a train of thoughts in rapid pace and I get back that aggression that propels me back from the inertia of mind. I feel rejuvenated and charged up passionate to do more. At that moment I feel everything can be conquered!

But I find that if all we had was just the aggression, our mind would soon wear off and probably this inertia kinda rests the mind and rejuvenates it back. The tricky part is not to wallow in this stupour for long but to get back into the groove. The more one is able to control the mind back and forth between the calm and the aggression, the more you progress. I find this a sort of  controlled aggression, one that helps me propel forward and doesn't burn me out.

The stupour of the mind caused by the sensitivity is what helps me appreciate the nuances of life, the art, enjoy the affection that is showered upon me, the affection that I long for. True it does bring down my drive to some extent, makes me softer and not hard for the tough world around me, makes me a little complacent to a certain extent, but it does make me more of a balanced human.